2013 was a doozy.

I lived, I loved, I birthed, I cried, I struggled, I rejoiced, I hurt, I forgave, and I grew.

I have loved more than I knew was available to me, I have seen my marriage grow and evolve in ways that I never knew were possible and I know that I will love this man forever. We created a life [well that happened in 2012 but she came to fruition in 2013] and now that life lives among us and changes us on a daily basis.

I pray that you find happiness in 2014 and that you are healthy and loved. I will love you and I cherish you. Thank you to my family who I could not be the person I am without their love and support. Thank you to the friends who not only showed up for me this year but who held me up, I hope I have done the same for you.

2014 is right around the corner and I think we will make it amazing, all of us, together. Let us not just talk about getting together but I want to see you, I want to see you all and I want to hear about the life you are making for yourself. 

I loved you 2013, thanks for the memories

xox
Nikol

Claire loves to blog! Check her out :)

Loved having Melissa visit from Hawaii and Stephanie visit from DC.

Here is a few photos from when they were in town
love and miss them

Who fed me from her gentle breast
And hushed me in her arms to rest,
And on my cheek sweet kisses prest?
My Mother. 

Hi breasts, I know for a  fact that this is my first time reaching out to you in a letter form and I hope you are doing well. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, a ton over these last 20 weeks and I know that I do not express my appreciation for you both enough. These last 29 years I had not thought much about you except how you looked in a certain top or if I had the right kind of cleavage that everyone was pushing at that time. I stuffed you in bras with tissue, with padding and I occasionally thought about piercing you. People had their own opinions about you, whether you were too small or just right and I had even contemplated my nipple size and color as if those really were something that mattered. I now know how silly I was. I love you, you are perfect. I am glad that I never pierced you or altered you in any way because I do not know how that would have changed the relationship that we have now. Today I lean on you constantly, you feed my child, you allow me to have the breastfeeding relationship that we both desire and need. I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and Claire also thanks you. We go through this about every two hours throughout my day, whether Claire is with me or not. I pump you, I massage you, Claire nurses from you and this has not been easy. You have cracked, you have been sore, you have got rashes, you have become engorged and you have also been perfect. I want to always appreciate my body the way I appreciate you right now. Last night you were called upon a lot because Claire was having tummy issues and also a little bit of teething pain and I also am back from work after a holiday so I pumped before work and once at work. I had a slight pang of worry though because I did not pump as much as usual and I went into a tizzy - What is wrong with you? What did I do wrong? I took a  few breaths, chugged 16 ounces of water, ate about 20 almonds and tried again and guess what you pulled through for us. I thank you, I thank you more than you know and I hope that even when my breastfeeding relationship had ended that I do not look at you in disdain because you are not as full as you once were or because you might be a little lower than you used to be because my body did what it was made to do. You are beautiful and you make me the mother I want to be.

Thank you
Nikol, the body you are attached to.

It has been a very busy 9 days! My last post was a bit of a downer but lets be honest not all days are sunshine and rainbows haha some days I have tired eyes and a grouchy attitude but these last days have just been amazing. Claire makes everything so much more special and I loved celebrating Christmas with her.

This year we celebrated Christmas eve with my side of the family, thankfully both of my sisters were in town and I was able to spend lots of time with them. For Christmas eve we always go to Church and then open gifts at midnight and this will probably be the last time that we are going to do that since Claire will believe in Santa by next year [I think?] it was wonderful, Claire was showered with gifts and so were we. It was so exciting to share this holiday with her and to watch my parents and my sisters spend time with her. The day flew by and then we had Christmas day to celebrate, we all woke up a little later than expected since we didn't go to bed until 3am and opened our stockings and then we were off to celebrate with Ryan's side of the family. Lunch with David was really nice, we were able to see his apartment all decorated and watch him enjoy his grand daghter, she got the cutest clothes and a new friend Olivia. Then we were off to see Dana, Todd, & Kyra where again we were alls howered with gifts, we cannot say how blessed we feel by the outpouring of love we have from all of our families. We have so many loved ones around us but we hope to be able to travel to Utah soon to see some more of our extended family.

Next year I am sure Christmas will be a little different because Claire will be a lot more involved when it comes to decorating, meeting Santa and opening gifts! I am so excited!!! I want to see the holidays through her eyes and figure out all of our new traditions. 

And then yesterday Claire was baptized.

Ryan and I had many conversations about religion and what route we would take with Claire and we decided that baptizing her Catholic was what we were going to do. I was raised Catholic and Ryan was raised Christian and even though the two of us are not very religious we know that we want to introduce her to this and start her on this path and once she is old enough we can sit with her and talk with her and help her make the right decisions. Ryan's aunt Kim offered to make her a beautiful gown and it was just perfect, it was the best dress for the day and she even had a few outfit changes. My grandma had sent her another gown that was made from a wedding dress and I also had my sisters baptism dress. She changed outfits like a diva and made the most of the day.

Baptism pictures.

We had so many family members and friends come out to support us and Claire on her special day. We feel so blessed and loved that it can be overwhelming and I am at a loss for words. I want to thank every single person that reached out, that joined us, and that has let us know that they are there for us. We love you all so much and we are so thankful for you all.

Dear Aaron & Kristen,
You two are the perfect God parents for Claire. Ryan and Aaron have been friends for so long and I am thankful for that friendship because it introduced me to Kristen. the 4 of us had so many great times together and I am now thankful that our little families will now be forever intwined. I know that you will love and care for Claire as if she was your own and that Claire & Hailey will get to spend lots of time together.
Thank you for all that you do and I hope that we can all be together again soon, love you all so so much
Nikol, Ryan & Claire

Man, I was awful this morning and I apologize to Ryan & Claire since they were the only ones who had to deal with me [so far]

I am just exhausted, worn out, tired, have hit a wall and every other way you can say it. Being a person during the holidays is hard, being a new mom is hard, working full time while being sick is hard, there are lots of hard things going on and I cannot act as if I am the only one going through it all but damnit I am tired. I know you are tired too and if you are too  tired to keep reading my whine feel free to leave the blog ahha but I need to vent. Here is my list of what put me in tears in my shower this am:
- Claire does not like sleep anymore. While I on the other hand not only LOVE sleep but I need it to continue working and just being alive. I wish I had been a more productive baby since they obvi need no sleep at all  to function just fine.
- My stomach is in so much pain, no idea if its the veggies I have been eating this week, left over from my flu, my #9 spicy tofu soup, or if I am getting my period back... but its awful and standing up straight takes a lot of work.
- Leaving the house would be easier if I had 8 hands and if I had time to make 5 trips  AND I hope I remembered my keys.
- My amazing husband can sleep through a tornado and sometimes Claire's crying is like a tornado.
ok getting that out helped a lot, I talked about them this morning with Ryan but there is something about writing it down that helps, I am now able to read over them and see that yeah that kind of sucks but overall everything is fine. Thanks for commiserating with me. 

Lets chat holidays? Are you ready? I guess we are, in the sense we have gifts for our families and lots of fun things planned but I do not feel ready for it to actually BE Christmas and to actually countdown on NYE. I feel like 2013 really just started for us, it went by so quickly and most of the year was spent getting ready for Claire and now that she is here I want 2013 all over again but just to include her in all of the fun. Thinking about the holidays brings up all sorts of new emotions for me this year. I just want everything to be so special for our baby, I know that she won't remember this year but I will and I want it to be important. This year we will be spending Christmas eve with my parents and my sisters and then Christmas day we will be seeing Ryans dad for lunch and Ryans mom and step dad for dinner. We will be busy busy and it has really made me try to decide what kinds of traditions I would like to put in place for next year for her when she will remember and I will be more prepared haha so far this is my list [it is a list kind of day, you don't even want to see my day planner]
- Elf on the shelf? I haven't decided, this might be too much work for me when she is only 1 but I think it is a cute idea and my friends do the cutest things with theirs.
- Christmas pjs! I want the three of us to get new pjs and to sleep in them on Christmas eve and open gifts wearing them, it is all over pinterest and my friends have been doing this all of their lives and I just love it.
- I am not a HUGE fan of Christmas lights BUT with the new LB Trolley we had so much fun looking at them I think that could really be something we do together, we could spike some hot chocolates and be on our way.
so far those are the three things I want the three of us to start next year. When it comes to celebrating with out entire family I want to keep up our Christmas eve tradition with my family but I want to wake up in our home on Christmas day and then everyone can join us there for gifts, a lazy lunch and maybe a movie. We will see I have a year to get that all worked out haha.


Happy Friday, hope you have a nice weekend and get all of your last minute shopping done
xoxo

Dad films preemie sons miraculous first year.
Sob. Such a teeny tiny baby, it is amazing how strong babies are.This is so sweet and really reminds me how much more video we need to take.

Shit crunchy people say
not THAT funny but I laughed a lot because I say many of these thing pretty often.

Shit crunchy dads say
Ryan is the best and I love that he chats hypnobirth and stuff while out and about.

100 things about being pregnant and being a mom
These are nothing mind blowing but I really enjoyed reading them and maybe I will make my own list sometime soon.

Umbilical cord self portrait challenges the way history has portrayed motherhood
BE CAREFUL very graphic
This is not for the faint of heart- there is blood, placenta, and umbilical cord. Just a heads up. I have no issue with these but I can understand some people not loving it. 
I find these to be so interesting and I wish I had photos of my csec and everything that went on during my surgery.
My husband watched the video with me and said, "I think those are nice".

:)

Hi baby girl, I just wanted to talk to you for a little bit. I miss you. I am at work right now and it is pretty calm today, thankfully new hire stuff and new salon stuff has taken a little bit of a break. 
Yesterday I dropped you off with Patsy and for the 1st time in 4 weeks I cried, I cried a lot actually. It was just that kind of morning. You were being so sweet and we had slept together while daddy was out of town, then we got up got ready and went to the gym just like many other mornings. But this time, I took you to daycare at 9am instead of 11am because I needed to take a short nap and get a few things done before we went away for the weekend and I felt really guilty about it. I want to be the best momma I can be for you and sometimes that means I will need a little nap, I tried to not beat myself up about it but it was hard. I hope you know that I love and miss you all the time.
You are at daycare with Patsy and I just started to think about you and all the things I want you to know when you grow up, you are only 18 weeks right now so this list will  grow and change and you will teach me things that I also need to know. You have already done that a bunch of times.

- you are good enough. even with things get tough you are doing your best.
- you are loved. by so many. but especially by me and your dad, please do not forget it.
- i hope that you don't have any problem with saying, "no" i know that it might get old for us but in the long run i want you to be able to ask questions and decide for yourself.
- be someone others can count on, be on time, show up for your friends. it matters.
- take pride in your work, whatever you decide to do you should do it well.
- laugh. laugh as much as you can and when you get upset talk to someone who makes you happy. i know it is easy to get into a downward spiral but do what you can to see the silver lining. your dad is really good at this.
- make girlfriends, do not fall into "but guy friends are just less drama" category - as true as that might seem in high school once you get older having strong female friends will be much more beneficial. also, being able to sustain friendships with women will make you a better person.

I love you
xo
mom

I have been a working momma for a month now! We all have survived and I am actually really loving it. I have had my breakdown moments [thank you Ryan for being so awesome] in those hard moments I wonder if I could be a stay at home mom but then I remember all the extra stuff we like to do and I realize that the type of life we want to live includes two people who work hard and love what they do. Claire will be better for it I think. It also makes our time together so much more special.

Work has been great, we are opening our 3rd salon January 2nd in Laguna Niguel and you must visit :)

It has been a little bit of a tough transition, I went from lounging with my babe to running around a tanning salon, hiring 5 new girls and having 1 quit after her 1st 4 hour shift, dealing with holiday hours and just taking care of what we have going on here. It has been busy and sometimes I get overwhelmed but while I am at work there is no time to fret about it. Just got to get it done.

Breastfeeding and working full time has been a bit of a change, I am pumping every 2 hours at work and trying to also pump a few times when I am at home to make sure that I have a good supply for day care and whenever it happens to be needed. My supply has been pretty good I am still taking fenugreek and drinking Mothers Milk tea. I have also been eating oatmeal almost daily because I read that can help with production. Pumping at work can be tough, occasionally I work alone and just have to sneak for a 5 min break in the back until I here the door ding that someone has arrived but when I have someone else with me it is more relaxing. i am pumping about 10 - 12 ounces while I am away. I would love to get that up to 16 but I am just not sure how to do it so my early morning sessions have been really helpful.

When I pump I sometimes look at photos of Claire to help get things going but usually I have a letdown pretty quickly, my goal is to get 2 letdowns but so far that has been a no go. I will keep trying though :)

If you are working and pumping let me know how its going and if you are staying home and breastfeeding I envy you sometimes, hope everyone is having a great day
xo

Our little beauty is now four months old!

Update: Claire has not forgotten me since I posted about her turning three months - I was really nervous that she would get more used to her day care provider but when I get home we have lots of cuddle time and I love that she lights up when I go to pick her up.

This past month has been really good, Claire still isn't sleeping as well as I would love but otherwise she is doing well. Thankfully she hasn't got the cold that seems to be going around and [knock on wood] neither have we. Who has time for a cold?! She traveled to Kansas, she has learned how to play the piano [ok its a little electronic one but she totally hits the keys on it] and she has upped her appetite quite a bit. Next weel we have her four month appt, time to get more shots :( and find out how much our little chunker weighs. I can def tell she is growing because my arms are getting tired much quicker :)

We went to meet Santa and pick up our Christmas tree this past weekend, Claire loved it! She was great in the long line to meet Santa and once she sat on his lap she was all smiles. I am so glad that we took her and I hope that she never gets scared like a lot of the kids that we saw there that day, I feel so bad for them!! We then went to the tree lot and got the perfect little tree, Ryan loves a Charlie Brown tree so this was a good compromise. Once we got home we continued our usual tree decorating tradition, white Russians and lights! Claire just added to the fun!

Looking forward to another month with our sweet baby girl, first trip is  to SB this weekend - can't wait!

xoxo
Nikol

I was very very well celebrated this year! I am thankful to my family and friends for being so generous with their time and energy to make sure I felt loved!

Painting the town red last weekend with my gfs was a treat. Huge thank you  to Robin for making it happen and to Kate, Teresa, Erica & Shannon for being fancy with me and then dancing the night away. From Classy to dirty 30 in one evening.

love you all


Goals for this year:
-Find peace within myself and be ok with silence and taking time to relax.
-Enjoy each second with Claire & Ryan because it is true it goes by too fast.
-Plan another big trip: we are thinking Chile.
-Save a lot for Claire's savings acct.
-Change up my hair????

haha nothing too huge but I just want to enjoy the moments
xo