Last night around 2am, Claire and I nuzzled together on her floor next to her crib for a few hours. All she wanted was to sleep next to me and I would catch her checking in with me, like "ah, thank goodness you're still here" I felt so loved and so needed. She won't always need me like this, so in these moments I am slowing down. I am rubbing her soft hair on my cheek and whispering the ABCs because I know I won't be able to go back. Each time I pick her up or lay her down I wonder when will be the last time, she is getting so big and so independent and occasionally she says, "I do it" and we step back and let her show us how it's done. It is my duty to teach Claire all about the world but it is so amazing how much she has taught me. I have felt so strong with her lately, we are working together and even when she gets upset or we can't seem to get on the same page I feel really secure in our parenting choices and I love that we are doing this together. 

On Mother's Day I received so many beautiful messages from friends who are doing this first time mom things right along side me but this one really got me, "Your relationship with your daughter really inspires me" I cried just typing that. How generous and kind. Thank you Rebecca for this because it made me reflect on our relationship and then I felt so proud of us. Having a strong willed little lady baby has its struggles but I am sure she is going to continue to be wonderful and I am just excited to get to be a part of this.

Dear 2011 Nikol,

I’m writing to you from four years in the future. Crazy, I know. You’ve only been married a couple of months and there’s a whole lot going on so I’m sure you haven’t thought much about what the far-off land of 2015 has in store. But I’m coming back to let you know something very important. You’re a mother, and you’re amazing at it.

That may come as somewhat of a surprise. Right about now you’re still not sure that you ever want to ever have kids, ever. Probably leaning towards no. That’s ok. Because in about a year you’ll have thought about it a lot and you’ll come to me and start the conversation that I was hoping you’d start. It happened kinda fast, actually, for someone who used to explicity tell me you weren’t interested. Maybe it seems scary. I just want to tell you that it’s going great.

Like most things you do, you will decide this on your own and then completely set your mind to being awesome at it. You will devour books about pregnancy, and parenting, and how to balance work and how to balance your marriage. You will read every mommy blog on the web and then start the best one of all. You will commit to being the best momma you possibly can be. It all probably sounds like a new life. It’s not, really. It’s just a better one. Because as a parent you will become the best version of yourself that I could have imagined.

And our daughter? She’s amazing, mostly because of the decisions you’ve made since the very beginning. You’re going to love her. Right now I’m writing this in the living room and I can hear you in the shower saying, “Claire will you wash my leg again? Will you wash my leg? Claire will you wash it again? Please? Pleeeeease?” And I can’t stop cracking up because I bet this sounds like an alien language to 2011 you. But to 2015 you, it’s heaven.

Motherhood is about to open new doors in a new house in a new neighborhood on a completely new planet for you. You’re still the same person, but this new stage in life will expand your horizons, strengthen your friendships and start lots of new ones, and bring you new levels of love and compassion that you couldn’t possibly imagine yet. You will be inspired and you will be an inspiration to others. Over the next four years I will watch parenting help you blossom as a person, and I could not be more proud or in love.

I just want you to know that you’re going to make the best decision of your life, and you’re going to be great at it. Better than you think. You can do anything. I know because I’m watching it. Happy Mother’s Day from four years in the future.

I love you,

2015 Ryan

Thank you mom for teaching me how to be resilient, giving, strong, loving, determined, and dependable.

I always had everything I could have ever needed, I was never hungry and always loved. Then you gave me my sisters and you did so much for us all. Love you.

Because of you I am the mother I am today, even now you are always a phone call away if I need help or just to say hi.

I'm happy I get to celebrate with you and that Claire has an Ela like you.

Love you so much, happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas are who are doing this with me.

Thankful for the women who responded to my late night texts, my cry baby phone calls and the ones who figured this all out right alongside me.

You are a badass, now go to sleep and wake up to drink your champagne and celebrate all that you do

Xoxo

Now, this doesn't happen that often and usually it wouldn't bother me at all but this last weekend it got on my last nerve. After an afternoon of chasing Claire around, making sure she was covered in sunblock, nursing her, not allowing her to drown in the pool, nursing her while trying to cut my steak, making her breakfast and lunch, doing MyGym, a few nap attempts, taking lots of pictures and finally relaxing with her on a lawn chair she got up to run around and Ryan went to go chase her, because they're adorable like that. This man shouts at me from the pool, says something like, "ahh, you bad" I look around and ask him to repeat himself and yup, I was right because again her says, "damn, you bad" I must have looked confused because he then continued with, "You aren't even taking pictures of him playing with her, he's being such a good dad" so many thoughts ran through my mind but all I could say was, "if I was doing it you wouldn't have even noticed, I would just be some mom" and he just shrugged. 

Did I need to snap at him, no. But honestly I hear this all the time. I know Ryan is a good dad, in my opinion  he is THE BEST DAD for Claire, I love how he is with Claire and I take tons of pictures of their sweet adventures but damnit no one has ever called out to Ryan to make sure he takes notice of what a good mom I am being for simply playing with my daughter. We both do so much and its an awesome experience to be able to do this together, he isn't babysitting and he isn't just taking care of Claire until I return, he is her father and he is doing so much more. I wouldn't even be able to take pictures of it all.

With Mother's Day right around the corner I want to shout out all the amazing mamas I know, I am inspired by watching them parents via social media and even luckier when I get to see it happen in person. We do so much and I hope you feel extra special this year. You are such a good mom and I hope someone takes a picture of you doing something that you do every single day but is so special to your little babe.